hot mess

We never grow up. Really. I think about those times when, as a child, I might have received a new toy, coloring book, or a pair of sparkly jellies (as in jelly shoes, for those not old enough to remember the jelly shoe craze of the late 80s- before the jelly shoe craze of the mid 90s- now apparently making a comeback again). I could not wait to start playing with it/coloring in it/putting them on and admiring my glittery footwear in the mirror (no doubt while wearing my favorite blue princess dress-up gown topped off with a sequined tiara - not unlike the one pictured here). My mother and grandmother would try to explain to me the virtue of patience, but I didn't care. Nothing else mattered above playing with and showing off my latest cool thing (at least cool to me, anyway), despite the horrific amount of sweat and shriveled skin and dirt and grass clippings that accrued in my jellies, or all the poorly half-colored pages in the coloring book that I couldn't bring yourself to finish because the parts already colored were quite bad, as they were done in great haste.

Fast forward 20ish years.

A few weeks ago, when I had first purchased my new bike, I was very eager to get out and ride it. I had grand plans of riding it about town, doing everything from commuting to work, making quick trips to pick up things like holy basil from the Vietnamese deli or African wine from the liquor store, lazily making my way to a garden park to soak up the late evening sunshine and possibly snap a few photos with my still-new-to-me 50mm camera lens. A hipster-inspired fantasy, now that I think about it. I inquired with my mum as to the status of her bike rack, hoping to borrow it in order to transport my bike to Glenwood, where I'd also be able to go on leisurely rides around the picturesque Lake Minnewaska. I bought a bike basket and even briefly fantasized about ordering streamers from amazon.com Ah, yes... delusions of grandeur they were, perhaps. 

And so it came to be that within a day or two of making the big purchase (thanks to a few funeral and wedding stipends that all fell within a week or so), I decided to ride my bike to work- despite it being my usual day off, I had a few things I wanted to take care of before heading out of town for the evening. The forecast for the afternoon included rain, but I thought I could safely make it to work without being doused. A dark, overcast sky had been threatening precipitation all day, but so far nothing had happened. I figured my odds of making it to work in a dry state were very good. I embarked.

Before I got to the first stoplight on my route, the rain started. Slow and light at first. I thought to myself, "I can handle this. I only have to go about 10 more blocks." As I waited for the light to turn green, the rain increased. "Oh, okay. I can still handle this. I will just dry off as I am in my office responding to emails." A few minutes later, I reached my destination. Shelter from the rain!

This was only to be, of course, if I had a way to get into the office. I dug around for the set of work keys in my purse. They were not inside. I checked my pockets. No keys. Then I remembered that I left them in the cup holder of my car. Great.

By this time, the rain had increased to a drenching level. I could feel water running down my scalp. Fantastic. The only thing left to do was to now ride back home in the rain. On my way back, I was stopped at a light. I noticed a few people looking at me with a mixture of pity and surprise. I thought perhaps it was because I was out and about in pouring rain on my bike. I shrugged it off. Wet is wet, I figured- and once you're wet, you can't get any wetter. At least we were experiencing a warm rain, and it all just brought back memories of "chasing the rain" back on the farm with my sisters when we were kids (sorry, Brother- if you're reading this, you missed out on that because you were still a wee baby).

When I arrived home, I immediately went to the bathroom to get out of my wet clothes and hang them up to dry. What I saw in the mirror was comically astonishing. Truth be told, I was one hot and wet mess. Mascara was running down in two dark streaks on my cheeks. My hair somehow managed to be both frizzy and plastered to my head at the same time. My shirt was practically translucent and there were one too many buttons unbuttoned (I'm guessing as a result of my purse strap working the button out of its hole). Those oglers in cars were getting an eyeful more than they bargained for when seeing me roll by. Yes, hot mess indeed. And closely resembling a wet rat.

The moral of the story is this, friends: 

   1) If there is rain in the weather forecast, drive your car rather than ride your bike. 

   2) If you insist on riding your bike, take steps to ensure that you can enter the building when you reach your destination. 

   3) Check on the location of keys you will need before departing for your destination.

   4) When you plan to use non-waterproof mascara, plan for the possibility of water causing it to run.
   5) New toys, no matter their usefulness, aren't always the best thing to use at the time you want to use them.

Pictured: not me, but a woman in a similar predicament.